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I finally am in a place where I can write a bit about where I am at right now. A lot happened since my last post. Yes, my friend who had been riding at my farm for ever a year for free using nice horses, tack and being hauled to trail rides, paper chases and shows for free is now living with my husband. I guess I have a bad people radar but darn I thought I had sharpened it over the years of selling horses She had a really nice boyfriend of 3yrs and they had just moved across the street from us. Not long after he left, did she leave the boyfriend to go move in with him. She could have went anywhere but there. Why would somebody even want him as a friend knowing how badly he had hurt me unless they helped him out the door? That kind of betrayal adds so many layers of pain into the situation. You know they talked each other into it and supported each other. He has her as a support system so he isn’t missing what he had at home. I do believe that karma is a real bitch. I love my husband and this whole situation is just so confusing to me. Even if not physical emotional affairs are just as bad.
I have had a lot of chance for self reflection which is what I guess you do during this situations. I am a dork and have been reading all sorts of books about relationships. Quite the education although all a bit too late. I loved my husband and frankly thought we had a good marriage. I knew I wasn’t perfect (who is?) but I thought we loved each other and made each other stronger. He feels as though I was a bad wife who didn’t emotionally support him and give him what he needed. It is hurtful to hear and some of it may be true. I admit that we had gotten very busy and things had drifted apart. I am an epic failure in the kitchen (I hate cooking!) and while I heard him I really didn’t hear him about how important it was. Maybe I just didn’t tell him how much he was appreciated and loved. I thought I did but maybe not clearly enough. I think I could have made a lot of changes if I really knew what he needed and if we had come up with a more solid plan. I think often talking about it just doesn’t work because I wasn’t hearing him in a way that made sense. Now he says he doesn’t love me or like me and basically feels like our whole marriage was terrible. It just hurts in a way that you really can’t describe. I do see many ways past this and ways to work through the issues but it does take two people. I can’t make him try but I have expressed that I am owning up to my shortcomings and the changes I would make. That is all that I can do. He sees it as he tried to talk to me and I just dismissed his concerns because I never thought he would do this. Honestly, I know that isn’t the case but I think I didn’t realize the extent of what he needed and only he could have made that clear.
I have had to regroup with the farm. Sold the resale horses which was good. I am keeping Junior for lessons and to ride. I have two boarders and I am still working with Crazy as can be who is going really good. Letterman is leased out. I cried and cried over him. You all know my love for Letterman. Why am I the one giving everything up? It really sucks. I plan on keeping the farm and will hope to find ways to generate income and make it work. The farm is different without him. I always thought this was our dream together and it isn’t the same without him involved. It feels very empty and lonely without my partner but I am strong and I will get through it. I still have my cats and dog to keep me company. I have no clue how I will do the farm work myself but I guess I will find a way. I am pretty darn good at finding ways to make things happen.
I went a got a haircut today and got highlights for the first time ever. I have lost about 20 or more lbs so far. I know that I needed to do that for a long time and that was a big issue for him. I am disappointed that I let it slide the way that I did. The mountains of regret are very high. I know that I am not all to blame but sometimes I just feel like it is all a bit too late and that is the saddest part of it all. I love him so much that I would have done anything to make him happy and it would have just taken really sitting down and having honest conversation. Leaving me the way that he did has left scars that will likely never heal. They compare it to a death. It is actually a real thing called sudden spousal abandonment. One minute things are fine and the next they are gone. I am left dealing with all the responsibility of the farm, animals and trying to make the finances work. He gets to be happy in his apartment with no stress playing house with her. Overall, I just miss my best friend. He and I were partners, friends and husband and wife. We spent most of our time together and he was my rock.
I do hope he gives it a shot with me because I really do love him. I keep moving forward with my life and putting one foot in front of another. Some days are better than others. I always thought I was the strongest person but this has broken me in a way that I didn’t even know I was capable of being broken. I love hard and I am loyal. I would have given it my all and I don’t even get a chance. I still would love for you all to continue to call and email (info in the below post). It really has gotten me through it all. He isn’t a bad guy but I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that is doing this to me. Especially in the way that he did it. I may never really understand. I try to stop blaming myself but that is hard as well. I should be angry at him but I feel more like the person who failed from all the things he told me that he held inside that led to where we are currently at. I wish I could see a way back but he has to reach to me and so far he isn’t willing to do that.
This is a lot of rambling. Yes, I am getting counseling. I know it wasn’t all me. I do really know that. It just doesn’t make it hurt any less. It would have been much easier if I knew something was wrong or knew he wasn’t happy. Heck even if I knew we had issues that were marriage ending. I must be really stupid.
I promise to come back and talk about horses very soon.
You may notice the lack of posts leading up to the symposium. On Monday, which was my birthday, my amazing husband walked out on me. Put the cake down on the counter and packed his bag. I thought I had a great marriage and we had built a wonderful life together. We had been married 10 yrs. Everybody who knew us is totally shocked. It makes you feel like you lived a lie. I honestly can’t say I even know what happened. He gave reasons, the main being he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t like the person that I am. Hard to believe that you still have a very close emotional and physical relationship with somebody and manage to miss all the signs. Heck, our business had never been better. We were achieving all of our goals that we had set and looking forward to the future. I always did my best to treat him great. We didn’t argue. We had no issues. There just weren’t any signs. Maybe lack of communication as he wasn’t ever much of a talker so I place some blame there.
I always thought my husband to be a wonderful man. He was always very supportive of the horses but he never needed to be as involved if he didn’t want to be. I always tried to put our marriage first. We both had good jobs outside of the farm/horses and easily could have done things differently if needed. He left without even a shot at counseling. I am a fixer so that is most frustrating because I would do anything to make things work.
Right now my world is turned upside down. I have a 11 acre farm with 8 horses, 16 cats (lots of barn cats and some house cats) and a dog. It all seems overwhelming to the point of being crippling. You just don’t know which way to go or how you will make it through the day.
I did take Katzimo to the symposium but I didn’t ride. Allie Knowles rode him and it was so cool to see. He was amazing and showed off what a cool horse that he really is. He is sold and will leave tomorrow. I am selling all my personal horses. Letterman, Junior, Legend, Blue Desert and Tin Star. I need to regroup and find which direction I will go.
Honestly, I do need support right now. It has been most helpful just to have people to talk to, email with or just hear that it will be okay. I suppose some people want to hide but I am lonely in my house. email@example.com or 302-598-6129.
A much delayed photo session of my gorgeous boy. Uh, do I have to sell him. I just love riding and working with this horse but yes he does have to move onto a new home after the symposium. It is fun to do a conformation comparison. Can you believe this is only two months difference? Wow, imagine six months of training. Gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!
Middle of September
Big difference in his weight and muscling. He stayed in the stall during the day (the bugs were bad) with a fly sheet with a neck on to help improve his coat and keep his color dark. He feels quite different when you sit on him. Much wider and uphill. I have been writing a lot of posts on my thoroughbred makeover page so check them out here http://www.retiredracehorsetraining.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&id=97:jessica-morthole&layout=blog&Itemid=396&layout=default
Katzimo has been slow to catch on to the jumping but I always knew it was simply a lack of fitness/muscling. It takes time to get them strong enough to even push off and he is just a casual type of horse so he wasn’t quite sure it required effort. I have been doing quite a bit of groundwork to help him figure out the jumping. It has paid off because last night he was finally picking up his feet!
Ha, no clue about this pic but he tried very hard.
He is for sale for $3500. 16.1 h 5 yr and pure class I love this horse and everybody who has ridden him instantly falls in love.
Wow, it has been so busy that I am neglecting the blog. The good news is the horses are going amazing. Crazy..oh lord how cute is crazy! He has gotten fitter and is holding his canter now. Getting him into it is still a bit of a challenge but it is coming. He is also learning to jump and is killing me with just how hard he is trying. He is just such a good boy.
Amanda and Crazy making the best face evah
No clue where his parts go but he is trying so hard. The lower lip is so funny.
video of him
Katzimo continues to be amazing. He went to his first show last weekend and was very good! Dressage he tried his heart out but tripped a few times. He has grabbed a heel on his shoe and that could have been the issue but also he simply struggles to canter and cantering + circles is still tough. It takes time when they have been in the field for 7 months to develop the strength. It is coming along and he is so nice to ride. Love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did so good jumping around at the show. He had never seen a xc fence or when alone but he was excellent.
He found to dressage to be very hard. He needed a nap and a snack This is his signature off the farm post ride routine. His new owner must keep up with this!
We took these this weekend. My gosh he is gorgeous!
I had bought this helmet (because it fit well!) but the built in sunglasses have brought some humor to our group. Robocop helmet. Seriously, it rocks and you all are jealous. You know you want one!
Elusive Sky (my former resale project) went to his first show. His owner comes and helps me ride horses on the weekend but she only gets the weekends to ride while she is in school. He has battled with thoroughbred feet issues this summer. It was just amazing to see him out doing so well. They had a blast! He and Katzimo are both by Sky Mesa.
Sky is a bit of an overachiever He will learn to relax and use his back instead of just rocket launching.
Jess helps me out with riding some of the horses (keeping Junior fit!) and she was competing Junior who hasn’t been out in a long time. She also hadn’t shown in a long time but they did great!!!!!!!!!!!
With the darn bugs and hot weather I gave the new boys a bit of a break but this weekend we are back to work.
I really am enjoying Tin Star. Amanda rode him and was amazed at the difference. He has relaxed and is starting to soften. This guy is going to be an eventing maching!
This was his first time jumping!
He still needs to relax and allow his back to soften and shoulder to come forward in the trot but it will come.
Blue Desert is now just over 2 wks off the track and boy is this one nice! He is just a 3yr and a bit over 16h. Such a cutie with good movement and a willing attitude. Nice jumper and I think he is going to go right up the levels.
Such a nice group of horses right now! All are for sale so pass them along. my email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you know anybody looking. Katzimo can head off to his new home after the symposium.
The plan was to take Katzimo and Crazy but I really wanted to ride Letterman. Sometimes you just want to ride you own horse and there are plenty of opportunities coming up to get Katzimo out. He will actually be heading to a combined test this upcoming weekend so that will be fun.
We headed up to Tranquility Manor in Monkton, Md for the paper chase. I have evented there but never done the paper chase. It was a 6-8 mile course with lots of jumps, water crossings, up and down hills and so much more.
It started out a bit hectic for us because when we got the horses off the trailer a donkey started braying, horses were galloping by and then a rider came cantering up right past our trailer and jumped in and out of the dressage ring??? Letterman was quite wild at this point and all the horses were a bit rattled. Jess was doing her first paper chase on a green horse and at that point I could tell she was very nervous.
We walked up to the start point where there was a ring and got on there. Crazy was looking around but very quiet. Once she got on she relaxed and Kurt and I were just praying we would stay on for the 15 min it always takes our goofy horses to chill out. We were very very thankful to the steep hills we could trot up to wear them out Our plan with our two horses is always to just get them moving. Letterman and Junior are the types that do much better when you just go forward. Put your hands down, heels down and move on.
Jess relaxed as soon as she realized she was the one on the sane horse Our horses were cantering and bucking going up and down hills and Crazy was just trotting on a loose rein looking around. He was totally unaffected by being in the back and at times he was way behind Junior and Letterman and couldn’t care a little bit. We would go cantering up the hills and he would make his own way up.
He is getting much stronger and he did an excellent job of cantering the whole paper chase! We had to navigate some tricky hills both straight up and straight down, mud and several water crossings. One or two came down a steep path and were really mucky. He didn’t even care!
It was so hot and humid so while we did a lot of trotting and cantering we also tried to walk in the woods and let them cool down. Crazy wasn’t as fit as our boys but he was holding his own.
Crazy and Junior are so darn adorable!
We were passed by some riders and we passed another team or two. None of the horses got worried about that which is always nice.
We tried to stop at every water crossing and let the horses get a drink. Letterman and Junior have figured out drinking while riding. Crazy wasn’t too sure and just wanted to stick his head in the water and play.
This is Letterman’s happy to be in water face.
We were all thrilled with just how good Crazy was the whole time. Our boys can be a bit silly but Crazy never even paid attention to them. I even raced Kurt up a hill and Crazy got to pick up maybe a hand gallop and we all laughed so hard. He did win some races but it is hard to believe as laid back as he is now.
We all were feeling very hot and thirsty. Jess said she was really thirsty but we didn’t think too much of it because we all were. We were so happy to get back to the trailers. So hot! We started untacking and Jess went to the food stand to get some water and hose down Crazy. Kurt and I were hosing our horses down near the trailers and then Kurt went to get our drinks. He found Jess sitting down holding Crazy. Yep, heat got to her and she had passed out while holding Crazy. Apparently he was a saint and just stood there looking at her concerned. Some people were helping get her cooled down and some food into her. Kurt came back with Crazy and then we got Jess back into the cooled down truck.
It was a long hot ride so we should have had some water. Lesson learned for next time.
We still all had a great ride and Jess left us with a good story We are hoping Crazy finds his perfect person. He is just so much fun to ride.
I wrote about our fun weekend out on the trails but first you have to check out Crazy’s sales ad here- http://www.canterusa.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=8836%3Acma-crazy-as-can-be-153-h-5-yr-gelding-in-delaware&catid=48%3Ama-canter-available-now&Itemid=313 He wants his own person and he is just about as easy as they come. He will continue trail riding/paper chasing until sold.
We had a wonderful trail ride out with Katzimo and Crazy this weekend. My friend Lauren came up to borrow Katzimo. She hasn’t ridden since the last time she came to my farm and rode Letterman. Katzimo was wonderful! The bugs were bad but the horses didn’t mind too much. Crazy was great through the water and over the bridges. He even led us past the bikes on the trail when Junior was being a wuss and ran the other way
Here I talked a bit about bloodlines and why I think it is important to look at them when choosing horses. I have two horses by Sky Mesa in the barn and both have the same personality and are really nice rides- http://www.retiredracehorsetraining.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=482:do-bloodlines-matter&catid=97:jessica-morthole&Itemid=404
I bought a horse who will arrive today just because I liked his bloodlines His name is Blue Desert and he is a nice looking athletic 3 yr gelding. Hopefully he lives up to the expectations.
It has been such a busy summer on the farm. I am aiming to sell some horses and slow down a bit for the fall/winter. Right now we have one more horse than we do stalls. I have a couple of nice sales horses getting ready to get marketed soon.
Tin Star will be ready very soon. He is lovely and so sweet. I have started riding him now that he has had a few weeks of rest. He is very nicely balanced and I think he will be a nice event horse.
Tin Star is 16 h and 4yrs old. He is priced at $3500 if you know anybody shopping. I call him the Tin Man. The seller kept calling him Tin Man and it stuck.
I am going to write another post about Katzimo and his lovely flatwork here soon. He is really coming along. I love him! So many nice horses in my barn that it is hard to pick a favorite.