22 days later

I finally am in a place where I can write a bit about where I am at right now. A lot happened since my last post.  Yes, my friend who had been riding at my farm for ever a year for free using nice horses, tack and being hauled to trail rides, paper chases and shows for free is now living with my husband. I guess I have a bad people radar but darn I thought I had sharpened it over the years of selling horses 🙂 She had a really nice boyfriend of 3yrs and they had just moved across the street from us. Not long after he left, did she leave the boyfriend to go move in with him. She could have went anywhere but there. Why would somebody even want him as a friend knowing how badly he had hurt me unless they helped him out the door? That kind of betrayal adds so many layers of pain into the situation. You know they talked each other into it and supported each other. He has her as a support system so he isn’t missing what he had at home. I do believe that karma is a real bitch. I love my husband and this whole situation is just so confusing to me. Even if not physical emotional affairs are just as bad.

I have had a lot of chance for self reflection which is what I guess you do during this situations. I am a dork and have been reading all sorts of books about relationships. Quite the education although all a bit too late. I loved my husband and frankly thought we had a good marriage. I knew I wasn’t perfect (who is?) but I thought we loved each other and made each other stronger. He feels as though I was a bad wife who didn’t emotionally support him and give him what he needed. It is hurtful to hear and some of it may be true. I admit that we had gotten very busy and things had drifted apart. I am an epic failure in the kitchen (I hate cooking!) and while I heard him I really didn’t hear him about how important it was. Maybe I just didn’t tell him how much he was appreciated and loved. I thought I did but maybe not clearly enough. I think I could have made a lot of changes if I really knew what he needed and if we had come up with a more solid plan. I think often talking about it just doesn’t work because I wasn’t hearing him in a way that made sense. Now he says he doesn’t love me or like me and basically feels like our whole marriage was terrible. It just hurts in a way that you really can’t describe.  I do see many ways past this and ways to work through the issues but it does take two people. I can’t make him try but I have expressed that I am owning up to my shortcomings and the changes I would make. That is all that I can do. He sees it as he tried to talk to me and I just dismissed his concerns because I never thought he would do this. Honestly, I know that isn’t the case but I think I didn’t realize the extent of what he needed and only he could have made that clear.

I have had to regroup with the farm. Sold the resale horses which was good. I am keeping Junior for lessons and to ride. I have two boarders and I am still working with Crazy as can be who is going really good. Letterman is leased out. I cried and cried over him. You all know my love for Letterman. Why am I the one giving everything up? It really sucks. I plan on keeping the farm and will hope to find ways to generate income and make it work. The farm is different without him. I always thought this was our dream together and it isn’t the same without him involved. It feels very empty and lonely without my partner but I am strong and I will get through it. I still have my cats and dog to keep me company. I have no clue how I will do the farm work myself but I guess I will find a way. I am pretty darn good at finding ways to make things happen.

I went a got a haircut today and got highlights for the first time ever. I have lost about 20 or more lbs so far. I know that I needed to do that for a long time and that was a big issue for him. I am disappointed that I let it slide the way that I did. The mountains of regret are very high. I know that I am not all to blame but sometimes I just feel like it is all a bit too late and that is the saddest part of it all. I love him so much that I would have done anything to make him happy and it would have just taken really sitting down and having honest conversation. Leaving me the way that he did has left scars that will likely never heal. They compare it to a death. It is actually a real thing called sudden spousal abandonment. One minute things are fine and the next they are gone. I am left dealing with all the responsibility of the farm, animals and trying to make the finances work. He gets to be happy in his apartment with no stress playing house with her. Overall, I just miss my best friend. He and I were partners, friends and husband and wife. We spent most of our time together and he was my rock.

I do hope he gives it a shot with me because I really do love him. I keep moving forward with my life and putting one foot in front of another. Some days are better than others. I always thought I was the strongest person but this has broken me in a way that I didn’t even know I was capable of being broken. I love hard and I am loyal. I would have given it my all and I don’t even get a chance. I still would love for you all to continue to call and email (info in the below post). It really has gotten me through it all. He isn’t a bad guy but I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that is doing this to me. Especially in the way that he did it. I may never really understand. I try to stop blaming myself but that is hard as well. I should be angry at him but I feel more like the person who failed from all the things he told me that he held inside that led to where we are currently at. I wish I could see a way back but he has to reach to me and so far he isn’t willing to do that.

This is a lot of rambling. Yes, I am getting counseling. I know it wasn’t all me. I do really know that. It just doesn’t make it hurt any less. It would have been much easier if I knew something was wrong or knew he wasn’t happy. Heck even if I knew we had issues that were marriage ending. I must be really stupid.

I promise to come back and talk about horses very soon.

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18 responses to “22 days later

  1. Oh Jess, my heart just breaks for you 😦 I wish you were just a little bit closer to me (I’m in Harford Co., MD). I would LOVE to help you with the farm, maybe board a horse there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this!

  2. Oh, man. I totally didn’t want it to be another woman. If there is any satisfaction in it, I think those secondary relationships rarely last. (At least, if my father’s relationship with the woman he left my mom for is any indication.)

    I’m glad that you kept Junior and are technically still keeping Letterman. A lease is not a sale and he is still your horse. Now someone else is helping condition him while you get adjusted. Maybe consider some work-to-board? I worked at my old barn to cover the cost of board. Just get references. 🙂

    I’m also glad that you’re talking to professionals and making some positive impacts on your life. I hate that this was the reason.

  3. Jess, I’m glad you’ve decided to keep the farm-you are such a talented horsewoman. Bravo to you for doing some soul-searching-it ain’t easy! You’ll find happiness again-we’re all rooting for you.
    Hugs,
    Jane

  4. Just wanted to say that I am glad that you have discovered your support system of people around you. I am working with Seema this weekend and she says Tin Star is doing great and happy, he will certainly be living the life of Riley! Hugs to you and just take it one day at a time.

  5. Jess, it’s good to see your update. I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s amazing to think of all the people you have helped and touched with your work. You know we are all here for you!

  6. Oh man, I have always wanted to send my horse to you for training because I am such a wimp compared to your bravery with horses! I am sure you’ll get through this just fine if you’re anything how I imagine from your blog. I remember growing up there was a story that involved one of my highschool teachers, the lady I boarded my horse with, and some other lady that I didn’t know. I was too young to have anyone really explain what really went down, but they used to all three be best of friends, then I assume there was an affair amongst some of them and their husbands because there was a big switcharoo where none of them ended up with the same man they were married to in the beginning and they all stopped speaking after that. This seems like a terrible story to tell at a time like this, but I just want to say that those same women were some of my biggest role models growing up. Their rocky relationship pasts didn’t ruin them from being really great women that were totally worthy of being role models. So I’m sure that whether you can work it out with the current husband or if you move on to greener pastures as a single lady or with someone better suited to you, you are surely still a very valuable person to lots of other people for just being who you are without even probably realizing it.

  7. Hi, Glad to see your update. You are moving forward just like we want our OTTB’s to do. Good job,

  8. Jess thank you for the update on how you are doing. We’re all pulling for you! Good to see you taking a few steps forward. One step at a time!

  9. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve been a lurker here for several years now, and I love how patient you are with the horses. I hope you will be able to extend yourself that same patience and understanding. Please give yourself a break. This is a hard time, and I know you’ll be able to make it work.

  10. Jessica we are very glad to learn that you will be keeping your farm and your beloved Junior. I think we all admired the partnership and effort that it took to run the farm and business and we can only imagine the shock and pain that this has caused. Whatever personal issue couples may share there is a cardinal law of decency/ conduct that is not crossed between friends…. there is no justification for it….ever. You have a solid & trustable reputation and an ocean of support out here which in the end will prove a more valuable asset than a “friendship” forged from betrayal.

  11. Jessica, I am one of your many blog readers. I think you are amazing. Stay strong, moving forward. GOOD for you on your weight loss. That is awesome. Offer up your pain to the Lord. He knows exactly how you feel. You are in my prayers.

  12. The way I see it is the hardest part is getting someone to take pictures and videos of you training amazing CANTER ponies. Screw that guy and the dizzy bitch he’s with. There, I said it.

  13. A long time lurker here who has been very worried about you and glad you’ve posted update. You’ve been badly betrayed by two people you should have been able to trust, and the fact you didn’t see it coming speaks to their deviousness. You are strong and smart and you will get through this!

  14. I’ve never met you but started following your blog because I was so impressed with your talent, dedication and fortitude not to mention a great sense of humor. These very attributes will help you through this–hang in there and know we are all thinking of you!!

  15. One step at a time, we are here for you!!

  16. Certainly you can own your own issues — everyone should — but not being a good cook isn’t something that should make or break a marriage. Even the “lack of emotional support” is not an excuse for having an emotional affair and leaving without even attempting to work it through. Don’t take all the responsibility for him leaving; heck, don’t even take half of it. Him walking out, him having an affair, that’s on HIM. (And any husband who claims that they left you because you were overweight is… AUGH.)

    As for the friend — well, what can I say. That’s beyond shitty. A good friend would have said to you “hey, maybe you should talk to your husband. I’m getting the sense that he has some issues he should really be talking to you about.” Instead she said “emotionally available man. I wants him for my own!”

    Ugh.

    So, so very sorry. I’ve lurked on your blog on and off and occasionally fantasized about getting one of the horses you’ve worked with. This is such a sad thing to have happen to someone who works so hard and so well and has such a big heart.

  17. Jessica – I’ve been one of those lurkers as well, but have followed your blog for several years. I check in periodically and read all the ones I missed to get caught up. This totally caught me by surprise. I am glad you are working to keep horses in your life. I went through a divorce several years ago and all my decisions back then we made with the aim of keeping my TB/Trahkaner cross (Justice) with me. It was the best decision I made. There are many people rooting for you.

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