I finally am in a place where I can write a bit about where I am at right now. A lot happened since my last post. Yes, my friend who had been riding at my farm for ever a year for free using nice horses, tack and being hauled to trail rides, paper chases and shows for free is now living with my husband. I guess I have a bad people radar but darn I thought I had sharpened it over the years of selling horses 🙂 She had a really nice boyfriend of 3yrs and they had just moved across the street from us. Not long after he left, did she leave the boyfriend to go move in with him. She could have went anywhere but there. Why would somebody even want him as a friend knowing how badly he had hurt me unless they helped him out the door? That kind of betrayal adds so many layers of pain into the situation. You know they talked each other into it and supported each other. He has her as a support system so he isn’t missing what he had at home. I do believe that karma is a real bitch. I love my husband and this whole situation is just so confusing to me. Even if not physical emotional affairs are just as bad.
I have had a lot of chance for self reflection which is what I guess you do during this situations. I am a dork and have been reading all sorts of books about relationships. Quite the education although all a bit too late. I loved my husband and frankly thought we had a good marriage. I knew I wasn’t perfect (who is?) but I thought we loved each other and made each other stronger. He feels as though I was a bad wife who didn’t emotionally support him and give him what he needed. It is hurtful to hear and some of it may be true. I admit that we had gotten very busy and things had drifted apart. I am an epic failure in the kitchen (I hate cooking!) and while I heard him I really didn’t hear him about how important it was. Maybe I just didn’t tell him how much he was appreciated and loved. I thought I did but maybe not clearly enough. I think I could have made a lot of changes if I really knew what he needed and if we had come up with a more solid plan. I think often talking about it just doesn’t work because I wasn’t hearing him in a way that made sense. Now he says he doesn’t love me or like me and basically feels like our whole marriage was terrible. It just hurts in a way that you really can’t describe. I do see many ways past this and ways to work through the issues but it does take two people. I can’t make him try but I have expressed that I am owning up to my shortcomings and the changes I would make. That is all that I can do. He sees it as he tried to talk to me and I just dismissed his concerns because I never thought he would do this. Honestly, I know that isn’t the case but I think I didn’t realize the extent of what he needed and only he could have made that clear.
I have had to regroup with the farm. Sold the resale horses which was good. I am keeping Junior for lessons and to ride. I have two boarders and I am still working with Crazy as can be who is going really good. Letterman is leased out. I cried and cried over him. You all know my love for Letterman. Why am I the one giving everything up? It really sucks. I plan on keeping the farm and will hope to find ways to generate income and make it work. The farm is different without him. I always thought this was our dream together and it isn’t the same without him involved. It feels very empty and lonely without my partner but I am strong and I will get through it. I still have my cats and dog to keep me company. I have no clue how I will do the farm work myself but I guess I will find a way. I am pretty darn good at finding ways to make things happen.
I went a got a haircut today and got highlights for the first time ever. I have lost about 20 or more lbs so far. I know that I needed to do that for a long time and that was a big issue for him. I am disappointed that I let it slide the way that I did. The mountains of regret are very high. I know that I am not all to blame but sometimes I just feel like it is all a bit too late and that is the saddest part of it all. I love him so much that I would have done anything to make him happy and it would have just taken really sitting down and having honest conversation. Leaving me the way that he did has left scars that will likely never heal. They compare it to a death. It is actually a real thing called sudden spousal abandonment. One minute things are fine and the next they are gone. I am left dealing with all the responsibility of the farm, animals and trying to make the finances work. He gets to be happy in his apartment with no stress playing house with her. Overall, I just miss my best friend. He and I were partners, friends and husband and wife. We spent most of our time together and he was my rock.
I do hope he gives it a shot with me because I really do love him. I keep moving forward with my life and putting one foot in front of another. Some days are better than others. I always thought I was the strongest person but this has broken me in a way that I didn’t even know I was capable of being broken. I love hard and I am loyal. I would have given it my all and I don’t even get a chance. I still would love for you all to continue to call and email (info in the below post). It really has gotten me through it all. He isn’t a bad guy but I am having a hard time figuring out who the person is that is doing this to me. Especially in the way that he did it. I may never really understand. I try to stop blaming myself but that is hard as well. I should be angry at him but I feel more like the person who failed from all the things he told me that he held inside that led to where we are currently at. I wish I could see a way back but he has to reach to me and so far he isn’t willing to do that.
This is a lot of rambling. Yes, I am getting counseling. I know it wasn’t all me. I do really know that. It just doesn’t make it hurt any less. It would have been much easier if I knew something was wrong or knew he wasn’t happy. Heck even if I knew we had issues that were marriage ending. I must be really stupid.
I promise to come back and talk about horses very soon.